I still get reminders. Days that feel as hopeless and dark as they used to.
Luckily they are relatively few and far between. They still don’t feel any less real, or any easier to deal with. In some ways it feels like there is more to lose. I’m daring to dream, daring to do more than that. I’m daring to back myself again and put trust in my own ability, drive and my own sense of who I am.
But that allows for self-doubt to creep in. Whether it be work, relationships, money, or just whether I like myself very much. I question myself. Am I really good enough/fit enough/strong enough to achieve my racing goals? Am I driven/committed/intelligent enough to find a job I excel in and enjoy? Will I actually end up in a relationship where I am happy and make the other person happy? Does it matter? It’s not life or death… in fact, for the most part I’m not even risking hurting anyone else. Perhaps I should stop being so self-obsessed.
I’ve thrown away a proverbial safety blanket of doing only what I know I can do. I’ve started taking more risks again. Nothing special in many ways. Nothing that any normal person wouldn’t associate with living a full life. I’m trusting my mental strength to see me through. So, when my head has a wobble, it is that much harder.
Today, I had a wobble. No specific reason behind it. I woke up feeling panicked, empty and deeply low. A horrible, introverted, unattractive self-loathing. I’ve done nothing all day. I’ve not wanted to communicate. I’ve not wanted to do, or be anything. I’ve not told anyone… in fact, I’ve had no direct communication with anyone all day. Not even the electronic kind. I don’t want it.
I hate that I’ve lost a day… but while my head feels unable to comprehend being able to do anything with what remains of Sunday, already I have a tiny chink of optimism about Monday. I want to run. I want to feel damp, clammy, cold autumn air fill my lungs, sweat condense on my base layer, cold muscles warming from the inside out. Maybe, after that, things will feel a little brighter, a little more achievable again.